Jan. 30th, 2011

spacemonkeyluvn: (xtra:: Toothless & Hiccup)
Feeling a little off today. One of those days where everything sort of hits you at once. Also, the friend who's getting married went dress shopping and such today with friends and family. Didn't say a single thing about it to me. I love how she gets on my ass about not reaching out (which I have been trying to get better at) but she seems to make no effort at all. I heard about all this through a mutual friend and Facebook. We used to be best friends. I know we've grown apart over the years but I wish she would either make an effort or stop pretending. We wouldn't be friends if we had just met. All we have in common is the past. The problem is, I don't know how much I really care. I don't like talking on the phone in general, but with her, she'll tell you everything in her life but if you try to talk about your problems, she can't be arsed to care. I'm so sorry my pathetic life of being unemployed and taking care of my mom isn't exciting for you and your perfect fairy tale you're living in. I have become something of a recluse (bordering on hikikomori) lately, and sometimes I need a little push. But if you want me to, I can try to make the effort. And I know we're all old enough to have our own lives and problems. I'm not expecting it to be like it was when we were still in school. Not like it would matter. The thought of being alone with her just makes me nervous. We'd have nothing to talk about and I hate small talk. I'm thankful for the few friends I do have and the time I spend with them. I just... don't care and still care quite a bit about this friendship. I've known her for what? 16 years. Since 3rd grade. It sucks thinking that it could be over.

Lately I feel like it's just my immediate family (mom, brother, grandma) and me. I barely even see or talk to my sister, dad, and stepmom. With my mom hurt, me unemployed, and my brother and me taking care of our grandma every day... I'm just having a low day is all. A poor/woe is me day.

I did make blueberry muffins from scratch today, using this recipe. They are yummy! I ate like 6 of them so far. I love baking/cooking. I find it relaxing.

And I just 'ordered' a $50 check using some of my credit card points. I think I'm going to buy myself this Starfleet sweatshirt.

Even though I haven't even posted yet...
ETA: Sometimes the universe answers your call. Another friend just messaged me on FB asking if I wanted to get breakfast and hang out tomorrow. I feel like a dick for complaining when I do really have some great friends.

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